Animal Housewife

This time last year,  I was in and out of the doctor’s office and hospital, having biopsies and wondering what was wrong with me.  I practically lived in my pajamas.  I slept every night on the couch with the TV on. 

That was last year.  Merry Christmas everyone!  I’m happy and healthy.

Look at the cool jack o’lanterns we carved this year.

In the morning, I reached under the covers to pet sleeping Barney and he drowsily wrapped his front paws around my hand and drew it to his hot puppy chest and, squeezed, and my heart warmed like a rock in the sun: quiet, strong.

Last Christmas my friend Amy gave me  a subscription to Bon Appetit magazine.  The cover photo on the very first issue I got was of the most fabulous cake.  My sister-in-law mentioned that she wanted to try it sometime.  I filed that in the back of my mind for later.   Well, her and my brother’s birthdays are close, so I decided to make it for the both of them at the same time.  I would say it was a success.

As I was adding the layers of cake, ganache, and cream, I grew amazed at the beauty of my creation.  I absolutely had to take a photo of the beautiful layers before covering them with the peppermint frosting:

The frosting itself was a thing of wonder - a sticky, almost marshmallow-y frosting with a cool peppermint flavor:

Here is the majestic creation after slices were cut and served at the birthday celebration:

Back when I was first diagnosed with angioimmunoblastic t-cell lymphoma, I did what any of us would do as soon as I had access to a computer. I googled it. I didn’t find much of use, and I certainly didn’t find much that was reassuring. For example, I found this forum and frankly it pissed me off. The discussion affected me negatively; the prognoses always seemed so dire. In fact, that forum is one of the reasons I decided to start blogging about my experience on this site, which I had originally created in order to brag about my pets.

After chemotherapy treatment was over in April, I struggled for about a month with the fear that the cancer would return. I felt like I was left on my own for the first time in months, as I was no longer under the constant care of the doctor and his staff. The slightest itch on my skin or the smallest discomfort anywhere near my neck caused me to panic inside. And the panic was all-consuming. I couldn’t concentrate on anything except for the things I imagined going on inside my body. I felt as if I had no control over my body.

I was reading Robert Penn Warren’s All the King’s Men (1946) and I found a quote that matched exactly how I felt throughout the whole cancer experience:

“… learns that the little stitch in the side is cancer and that he is carrying around inside himself that mysterious, apocalyptic, burgeoning thing which is part of himself but is, at the same time, not part of himself but the enemy….”

When I visited my oncologist in May, a month after my last chemo and a few days after my last CT scan, I expected the visit to be positive. But I left frustrated. I had told my doctor, “When I researched that disease online, people basically said I had about two years to live, once I was diagnosed.” I expected him to scoff but instead he shrugged and said, “I don’t know what to say. It’s a really bad one to have!” It was as if the doctor was afraid to reassure me, even though all signs pointed to remission.

The doctor sent me to another oncologist for a second opinion on whether or not I should do high-dose chemo and a stem cell transplant. He had told me that since I appeared to be in remission, it should just be on the shelf in case of the disease’s return. I told him that I heard that without the procedure, my chances of survival were slim. When I visited the second oncologist and expressed this concern, he actually seemed to agree with me that my chances of staying in remission without the procedure were remote.

I decided against the procedure. I didn’t re-visit that second oncologist. I am healthy and the cancer is in remission and right now I feel that the battle is a mental one – and that battle is all mine.

I returned to my original doctor on July 29^th. He was happy to see me doing well. He said it means so much to him to have healthy patients in his office from time to time. He respected and agreed with my decision against the high-dose chemo and transplant. He said that there was a “more than small” chance that I would be just fine. I don’t understand why he seemed more reassuring that day. Was it because I was glowing with health? Did I have a different attitude that day?

Yoga has changed my life. I’m in the best shape I’ve been in for years, and it has helped me mentally conquer the moments of panic I described above. However, those moments come to me more and more rarely.

My pulse and blood pressure are steadier and lower than they’ve ever been in my adult life. I’ve learned to give up the vanity a bit and focus on health. You know what? Doing that makes me beautiful. People tell me I look great, people tell me I smell great. I smile more and I have a happy look in my eye that I didn’t before. Sometimes I think facing illness makes us learn how to take care of ourselves. I feel like I’ve come out of a long hibernation, one that started long before I was diagnosed, before I ever felt sick. Oh! And my hair is growing back so quickly!

I’ve learned not to let myself get angry over stupid things. I’ve learned not to bother hating people. Anger and hate hurt me more than they hurt anyone else.

I have come across so many nurses and medical techs in the last year that have never even heard of that disease.

I believe that even my trusted and beloved oncologist understands that disease as little as I do.

I say “that disease” instead of “this disease” because it is not here.

The next time someone says that “it’s a bad one”?  My response will be: “I’m badder.”

There is life after angioimmunoblastic t-cell lymphoma.

So – on with living!

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook today and I found it particularly moving.  Looking at it felt like a scary dream.

I have started to go to yoga and I absolutely love it.  The Yoga Center of Minneapolis had a free workshop on cancer wellness and the woman who ran it was so nice and gave off such a lovely, relaxed aura that I decided I wanted to attend her yoga classes regularly.  I go to her classes on Wednesday afternoons and I also attend classes by someone else on Sunday mornings.  I love it.  The muscles in my body are starting to feel different, stronger I guess.  I feel like I’m becoming better friends with my body.

 

But I really love what yoga has done to my mind. 

 

I have always been a very anxious person.  I am anxious when I go to sleep at night and I’m anxious when I wake up in the morning.  I’m anxious when I’m walking to catch the bus and I’m anxious when I’m sitting at my desk at work.  When I have to balance my checkbook or pay bills, I become so anxious that I actually start to tremble. 

 

Yoga is changing this.   I think it’s because I spend so much time inside of my head during yoga.  I knock around up there while I’m stretching my body out and I get relaxed and in touch with myself and I’ve realized that it feels awfully nice.

 

So why not try to be like that all of the time?

 

It’s all about the realization of your thoughts.  For example, I am trying not to rush through my actions.  When I am doing the cat boxes or some other chore, I find myself trying to hurry through those things and I get frustrated and anxious.  If I realize that this is just a chore and my life will still be there at the end of it, I can just relax and do the darn chore and not hate it so much.  Why be frustrated and angry while I’m doing the cat boxes?  Instead, why not relax and think happy thoughts while I’m doing them?  After all, it will make doing them so much more enjoyable.

 

One afternoon, after I had attended my first yoga class, I tripped over something in the back yard and a surge of anger, initiated by frustration, rushed through my mind.  I opened my mouth to curse but I caught myself at what I was doing.  Instead, I took a deep inhalation of breath, held it for a moment, and the exhaled, letting go of the anger while I did so.  I tripped, so what?  Then I continued on with what I was doing.  I was rather new at this and so the whole process was rather dramatic and when I came out of it I saw my husband standing at the other end of the yard, watching me and laughing.  But I found that the more I catch myself feeling angry or anxious and grabbing control of that and changing my mood, the more I am able to do it more naturally and without so much physical emphasis.

 

Being angry or anxious never solved anything.  Negative thoughts hurt us more than they do the people or things at which they are directed.

 

I have control over how I feel.  Why feel bad?

Another seemingly senseless but oh so full of truth chat between me and Amy.  By the way - I did end up going to yoga that day. 

7:47 AM

Me: *rolls up the window and looks out*

Chat window is open for business!

7:50 AM

Amy: Hey! Mornin’!

Me: Morning. Did you have fun last night? Sleep well?

7:51 AM

Amy: Yeah. And yes, much better than the previous night!

Me: Cool. I brought yoga clothes in case I actually go through with this….

7:52 AM

Amy: You should at least try one and see. It sounds like something that might be beneficial.

7:54 AM

Me: Yeah. It’s just that I get kinda’ shy when it comes to stuff like that — and lazy.

7:56 AM

Amy: I know. I do too.

 

7 minutes

 

8:04 AM

Me: Someone on playa.info has posted about two people who threw their little Chihuahua out of a moving car and laughed and laughed.

8:07 AM

Me: Gasp! Joker (a dog at the Animal Humane Society that I coveted) is gone!

 

8 minutes

 

8:16 AM

Amy: Good for Joker! Terrible about the Chihuahua. Was that in Mexico?

8:17 AM

Me: No - outside of Boston.

8:18 AM

Amy: Well, you know Karma is a bitch.

8:22 AM

Me: Is it? Sometimes I wonder why good things always seem to happen to bad people.

8:25 AM

Amy: I think eventually they get theirs. Unless the devil is real.

 

22 minutes

 

8:47 AM

Me: If the devil is real, then so is God, right - and that puts us right back to where we started, where good things are supposed to happen to good people….

8:50 AM

Me: Speaking of fucking god and shit – (unnamed) is on that very thread causing trouble. What a fucking asshole. Why don’t they ban him? Why?

8:52 AM

Amy: Because he’s trying to get them to ban him so he can cause an even bigger ruckus. What needs to happen is people need to NOT take the bait and ignore him. Eventually trolls go away.

8:53 AM

Me: I hate him. I just hate him. And I’ve been trying to generate good feelings in my life by just letting things go and not hating - it’s worse for me than it is for the recipient.

Om…….

Amy: Exactly. He’s controlling you by you letting him.

8:54 AM

Me: Think about ME being HAPPY, not about HIM being an ASSHOLE.

Amy: Exactly!!

Here’s what the universe said to me today:

Let’s see… It’s impossible to fail. Everything works out in your favor. The elements conspire on your behalf. There are always reasons to be happy. Millions of lives are touched by yours. Thousands of people think of you fondly. Hundreds call you their friend. You can have anything you dream of. Things just keep getting better. And you live forever.

Wildly unbelievable for a Hollywood script, but Amy, this is your life.

Stranger than fiction,

The Universe

Me: I never did get those.

8:55 AM

Amy: I love them. They can be kinda’ cheesy at times, but usually make me smile.

8:58 AM

Me: Mmmm. Cheese.

Amy: Oh that reminds me…this month’s MN Monthly has a big article on donuts!

8:59 AM

Me: There is supposedly a place in the Lake Nokomis area that has the very best donuts. I have no idea what it’s called, though….

Amy: I’ll look at the mag some more. Check this out. http://illusioncontest.neuralcorrelate.com/2009/the-break-of-the-curveball/

Me: Mel-O-Glaze or something like that.

9:00 AM

Amy: Yep, she’s got them in her top 5. 

Me: That thing is weird. Bugs me. Makes me feel like I don’t have control over what I see.

9:01 AM

Amy: We don’t, not really.

 

Well that donut shop has a shitty website. They’ve won awards for the donuts yet don’t even feature them on the page. And it looks like it was made with 1-2-3Retard. But if I’m in the area…I may still try them!

9:03 AM

Me: I was on the bus today and I thought of the name of a breakfast place I had been trying to come up with.

http://www.daybyday.com/

9:06 AM

Amy: I’ve heard of that. Have you been there? The breakfast burrito sounds good.

9:08 AM

Me: I used to go there a lot. I haven’t been there in years though. Cute atmosphere.

Amy: Looks like it.

 

5 minutes

 

9:13 AM

Me: I’m gonna’ try a pork chop!

9:14 AM

Amy: You know I was thinking…maybe you’d prefer pork tenderloin. No bones and it tastes more like chicken. I have a really good recipe for it that I got at a cooking class.

9:15 AM

Me: My brother mentioned that too - but I’m kind of weirded out by the idea of pork that tastes like chicken. I think I want to try pork that tastes like pork.

 

Ugh. I just don’t want to try beef.

Amy: Well, it doesn’t actually TASTE like chicken but it has more of the same texture and consistency.

 

We’ll get you to try beef eventually.

Me: Ugh, no way, man. No way. Beef is soooooo gross.

Amy: You can’t possibly know that. You’ve never had it.

Me: It’s so gross looking!

9:17 AM

Amy: Why?

9:18 AM

Me: I don’t know. It’s so….brown.

 

That recipe you sent me uses the word “smear!”

9:19 AM

Amy: It does? What do you smear? It’s a dry rub. It’s so yummy. It’s kinda’ sweet and super flavorful.

Me: Olive oil.

Amy: You can use it on a chop too if you like. The only thing I worry about with chops with you is that sometimes they’re weirdly colored. It might put you off them.

 

Oh yeah, I guess you put olive oil on it so the rub will stick better.

9:21 AM

Me: But I mean I don’t find bacon gross, and that’s super duper like flesh, you know? But I freaking love it. Grrrr. I want to chew it off with my teeth and eat.

 

I think I was meant to eat pig.

 

Poor pigs.

9:22 AM

Amy: Babe….

 

You just contradicted yourself with the whole flesh, brown, beef is gross thing you know.

Me: Well, I never said I was going to make sense. Bacon/pork looks like meat is supposed to look like. Beef looks fucked up.

Amy: YOU’RE fucked up!

Me: Hee hee!

Amy: I gotta run. Meeting.

Me: OK.

Last year my husband and I went to Mexico on vacation.  We stayed in Puerto Morelos

and Playa del Carmen. 

 

A detailed trip report can be found here.

 

We ended up getting a dog while we were down there!  Here is a link to a story I wrote for on online magazine about her adoption.  Sandy is such a little sweetie.  She fits in our pack so well.  Often I watch her playing in the backyard with the others, a smile on her face, and my heart swells.  It’s been nearly a year since we found each other.

 

Sandy at the shelter – can you pick her out?

 

Sandy at home:

 

 

Ah, the glory of instant chat programs.  Here is a wonderful speciman of what can take place in thirty minutes between two best friends, bored and at work:

8:34 AM

Me: I’m hungry already.

 

Amy: I ate kinda a lot for breakfast. I had bought some breakfast breads from Kowalski’s last night and since we didn’t eat any last night, I had some for breakfast today. They were sooo yummy

 

 Me: Sometimes when I’m hungry I go to www.thisiswhyyourefat.com. It works.

 

Amy: But I predict I’ll be hungry in about an hour.

8:35 AM

Me: I want something salty.

8:36 AM

Amy: Can you get some vending machine pretzels?

 

Me: I can get pretzels upstairs in staff dining. They’re not very good though.

 

Amy: Just lick the salt off. J

 

Me: Well, then I could just go up and grab a salt shaker.

8:37 AM

Me: They do have saltines and peanut butter!

 

Amy: That sounds good!  I’ve been eating Wheat Thins with peanut butter. I don’t even like Wheat Thins, but it’s all I have.

8:38 AM

Me: That’s a weird combo.

8:40 AM

Amy: Agreed. I don’t even like it. I just feel it’s better than eating straight peanut butter, which I also do. Jody brought the Wheat Thins over one night and we didn’t eat them. Then she wouldn’t take them home because she doesn’t like them. So I brought them here to work, but I don’t like them either.

8:42 AM

 Me: Poor Wheat Thins. Why did she buy them if she doesn’t like them? Ha ha! That’s funny! I LIKE THEM!

8:43 AM

Amy: I don’t know why! She’s weird. Maybe she thought we liked them. I just think they’re a weird texture. I’ll eat them, but I don’t enjoy it. Which I have GOT to stop doing!!

8:44 AM

Me: I think they’re good. I like Triscuits more, though. I really like Triscuits. Triscuits and string cheese.

 

Amy: I love Triscuits! Especially those new flavored ones? The garlic rosemary ones are awesome.

8:45 AM

Me: Rosemary is too perfumey for me. But I love Triscuits. They’re hilarious. They’re like salty wood.

 

Amy: Hahaha. They’re better than that!

8:46 AM

Me: Oh, I know. But when you think about it, the texture is pretty funny.

 

Me: I want a croissant.

 

Amy: They remind me of Shredded Wheat cereal.

 

Me: I hate Shredded Wheat.

8:47 AM

Amy: I’m wrong about the flavors I think. It’s roasted garlic OR rosemary olive oil, I think. I like them both. I haven’t had Shredded Wheat since I was like 5 and I hated it then.

 

Me: Shredded Wheat tastes like cardboard. I wonder why Shredded Wheat is so bad and Triscuits are so good. But what a stupid name - Shredded Wheat. Way to make something sound good there, genius.

8:48 AM

Amy: Reminds me of Grape Nuts; which are neither grapes nor nuts. Dicsuss.

8:49 AM

Me: Oh, I know. They’re like what - the nuts that come from grapes, or what? They’re edible straight out of the box in times of desperation but in no way whatsoever should you add milk or you will have a disaster on your hands.

8:50 AM

Amy: They blow up to like ten times their size. But when I eat them when they’re not soggy it makes my brain jiggle.

 

Me: But they actually taste like “grape” and “nut.” BTW that’s not your brain - that’s the raw Grape Nuts.

8:51 AM

Amy: All I can think of now is grape testicles.

8:52 AM

Me: Ew. Grapey testicles. Why are Triscuits called Triscuits? Are they just a little bit more somehow than biscuits, that they took the bi and made it tri?

8:53 AM

Amy: Eeew, shrivelly grape nuts. I don’t know.  I guess it’s a play on biscuits, but I don’t know where the tr comes from.

 

Me: Grape Nuts + milk = a pile of barf.

9:02 AM

Amy: Kinda does look like pet barf. Which reminds me, Fozzie got the shits from the Iams. I hate that we bought that.

9:03 AM

Me: That sucks. I’ve never used Iams. I knew someone’s brother once who fed his cats Iams and he said it made them farty.

9:04 AM

Amy: well, I hate Iams. They test on animals. But it was the only puppy food I saw and it’s what the vet gave us for free, so I figured we’d try it. But the guy at the checkout even said, “You’re weaning him off this, right?” But of course said that AFTER we’d paid. So we’ll go back tonight and get some better stuff.

 

Me: I forgot about the testing. Fuckers.

 

Me: Farty McSmells is a good nickname.